I was reading someone else's blog the other day, thrying to learn how to do this. (I am technically challenged). He said he was mostly writing it for his wife. He had battled some pretty serious illnesses, and realizes that life doens't go on forever. I was thinking about the purpose for me doing this, and I guess it's about my daughter.
I bought a journal when I was pregnant with her. I have written in it some, because I wanted her to know me the way I am now. But so much went on when I was pregnant with her, I find that I'm usually too wiped out to write in it after she goes to bed. So I guess a lot of this is for her.
So today is a grey, cold Sunday. I am still a stay at home mom, which has been a wonderful and exhausting experience. When we found out we were pregnant, we had just lost my husband's dad to illness and old age 2 months earlier. I started a new job and found out I was pregnant the day before my first day on the new job. It made it awkward, because I had to tell my employer fairly soon; I started getting "morning sickness" early on in the pregnancy. I put morning sickness in quotes, because as most women who have had it know, it does not occur only in the morning. I had pretty much sickness, all day, every day. Not a fun way to go through 8-9 months, but definately worth it.
Anyway, not quite a month before she was due, I came home early from work one day to find my husband already home. He said we needed to talk. Although he's a psychologist, he never says that. My dad had been on his way home in his single engine Cessna from visiting a friend when he encountered weather, and crashed into a mountain and died.
To say that I was devastated is just not adequate. I have always been a daddy's girl, and I was not ready to no longer have a father.
Even though it's now been over three years, it still hurts to write about it. So of course, my husband and I came to my home in South Carolina for the funeral. Then a hurricane hit the county we lived in in Florida, so I was not able to go back to Florida to deliver the baby. My husband was trying to come and go and work and keep everything together. The baby was induced so that he could be there, but he had to leave to go back to Florida the day after she was born.
My mom and the baby and I went home from the hospital out into the country where she still lives. It is at least an hour from any kind of adequate medical center, so I was totally freaked. I slept upstairs in my mom and dad's bedroom; it was just too painful for my mom. I still feel guilty because I was so so so sad when my daughter was born. As happy as I was to have her, losing my daddy in that plane crash just overwhelmed me. I would wake up in the night to nurse her and just cry. Every aspect of life seemed fraught with his loss. I couldn't seem to regain my equilibrium.
Anyway, I wanted to journal this for my daughter so that she would understand how wonderful her grandfathers were, even though they didn't get to see her. I want her to know how much she was loved, before we even knew of her. I want her to know that sometimes when I am angry or sad, it isn't because of her. I miss my father so very very much, and that is very hard. I want to tell her stories about him, because he truly was one of a kind. I want her to know that she is part of a family that loves her and cherishes her. So through all of this I am trying to learn how to be more powerful. Not powerful like in the traditional sense, powerful in being able to come through a terrible storm and find the good, to find my strength, an be able to wake up and be happy for what is.